Patricia* fell into caring through a run of coincidences. But despite the challenges that lay ahead she did everything she could to provide the children she cared for with every opportunity for a life filled with a love.


"I came into caring by accident. My daughter came across these two kids, Julie* and Andrew*, who we had met years ago when they were very young, one and two years of age. I remember looking at them and thinking you poor little kids, all snotty nosed and neglected."



"Then when they were aged eight and nine my daughter ran into the again and discovered that they were being looked after by a 76 year old woman who was unable to cope. She was not able to keep up with them and occupy them. My daughter wanted to help so she would take them to the park or on an outing with her church on the occasional weekend.



"Then she said she wanted to bring them home for a night and I thought to myself, well who will really be looking after them? So she did and we started looking after them and we began to realise how bad their situation was.



"They started coming on with us more and I remember an Easter holiday trip to Singleton when we followed the mountains. We were going to stop at Armidale as both the kids have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and we did not want to make the trip to difficult for them to cope. When we got there they went for a swim in the pool. But we discovered Julie in the bathroom with some blood on her clothing. We suspected that she had been sexually assaulted so we rang the DoCS (Department Of Community Services) line and they said to get her to the hospital.



"That began a long and difficult process as Julie had not disclosed the abuse and most doctors would not treat her. It took us four days to find a private doctor who would treat her. The doctor made a report to DoCS and they sent her to another hospital who could again not act because Julie had not disclosed what had happened. DoCS basically said don’t take them back home again. You look after them.



"So they were basically left with us. They asked if that is what we wanted. We had had them for enough weekends to know they were not safe where they were. So we became their primary carers from that point on.



"Andrew, now realising that his sisters speaking out had changed their situation, started attacking her when we were not looking. He literally threw bricks at her. He wanted to shut her up. We had a terrible time. We had to guard her. He only settled down after some time when he realised that they were going to be able to stay with us."



Looking after family is one thing, but Patricia found herself in a situation where she felt that she had to act for the sake of the children. Patricia felt that Julie and Andrew's best interests were clearly served in staying with her family.



"We were thinking about trying to get more time with them as their father was in jail and their elderly relative that was raising them was terrified of him. She could not handle the kids anymore and had no way of coping. The abusive father was getting out of jail soon so she had to make it look like it was not her fault that they were taken away because she was really scared of him. So discovering the abuse sped up the whole situation, a lot more than we were prepared for.



"So that was more than 10 years ago and it has meant so many changes. You really have no idea when you start. Even simple things like having carpet in our house. Julie used to walk poo through the house so we ended up getting rid of it because it really started to smell. From then on we have only had tiles. You just don't think of things like that.



"Both Julie and Andrew suffer from Foetal Alcohol Syndrome, but Julie's is far worst. Because Andrew is only classed as having effects and not the full on syndrome, he was always seen to be OK by others. So most people did not realise that we had to provide very specific care for both.



"We had to do things like locking the kitchen to prevent Andrew raiding the fridge. We had to do running repairs around the house to fix broken walls and other things. I would have to go into his room every few days with a screwdriver, putting things back together. He would sit in his room pulling things apart. he didn't need any tools. Andrew just kept working away at it till he got the furniture apart."



When asked about reflecting back on 10 years of caring, Patricia was very harsh on herself as I think many carers are. You are often left wondering if there was something else you should have done.



"I think I didn't do well enough."



"I think I was just so frustrated and tired that I didn't take their feelings into account enough. I would have really loved more support from a number of government agencies. We would contact different places and get passed back to DoCS as they were wards of the state. DoCS would tell us that we have had our allocation. We found it very difficult to foster with DoCS.



"Now that Julie is over 18 she is boarding with someone else. The person she is boarding with gets all sorts of support that we could never get. We look at that financial support and think why didn't we get that? We had two we were caring for. We could have done so much more.



"People tell us that we have done a great job and I guess when you look at it logically it guess we did. There are things we planted which are still with them today. It does make it hard emotionally when the feedback from DoCS seemed so negative. You seem to be always asked why you have not done something.



"I believe that the insistence that the child is always right is very wrong. They are really treated as individuals at the expense of family life. We spent three years in court trying to protect Julie and Andrew form their father with AVO's (Apprehended Violence Order) and such and in the end they forced both of them to see him, saying it was in their best interests to stay connected with their birth father. They were absolutely terrified every time they had to go and see him. Our opinions as they primary carers were completely ignored.



"We even had DoCS come and fortify our house to protect the children from their father, which they were very good to do. But then a new case worker came in and said the rule is they must see their father. They were in obvious distress, but the case worker still believed that she knew better than us. It makes it hard when the department in DoCS we reported our issues to was ignored by this case worker.



"Even small things like letting Julie and Andrew call us Mum and Dad was completely banned. Andrew desperately wanted to call us Mum and Dad and every time he did we had to ask him not to. What sort of reinforcement is that for him? He grew up with an abusive father, but rather than let him connect with a caring and loving Dad in a very simple way like making the name Dad a positive, we had to constantly remind him that we were not his parents. I have no doubt that this had a big negative impact on him.



"We tried to fight for small changes like this but you get worn down and I often feel like we should have tried harder. This is really one of my big regrets.



"I still see myself as Julie's Parent. The carer she is boarding with is always turning to us for help with explaining issues to Julie, so it is like any parent after their child leaves home. She was with us for far longer than she was with anyone else. So you can't change that. I hope that she will always turn to us. When I look back I see a lot of frustration, but I know we have made a big difference in their lives.



*Please note the names in this story have been changed at the request of the carer.