Paul and Rhonda are semi-retired. They have two sets of parents who are ageing and in need of care.

Rhonda’s parents are still in their own home and are quite active and mobile. Rhonda and Paul help out frequently with things like getting the weekly shopping, mowing the lawns, pruning the trees and general household maintenance.

Paul’s parents, however, moved into residential care two years ago, and that has had a big emotional impact on him.

“I never thought I would have to watch from the sidelines as my folks went into care,” the former supermarket chain manager said.

“Somehow you think your parents are going to live forever and stay fit and healthy.

“My parents had been great right through their seventies but when they hit their early eighties, the wheels just fell off the cart.

“Mum developed dementia and started escaping from the house and wandering and getting lost. I don’t know how many times we had to call the police for help.

“She forgot to turn off the stove; forgot to take her medication; forgot to have a shower; forgot to eat … or didn’t know where to find the food; forgot all our names and her relationship to us.

“It was heartbreaking. You don’t stop loving someone just because they have dementia. Dad still loves her dearly – they have been together for 72 years. And I still loved her dearly.

“But then she had a fall and broke her hip. When she was in hospital we all came to the realisation that it wasn’t safe for her to come back home and that she would need to go into care.

“Dad wasn’t able to look after her properly at home and I live in a double-storey house, so there was no way she could move in with me.

“As it happened, not one but two rooms came up at the nearby nursing home where mum and dad had been on the waiting list – more as a standby measure than anything else.

“So we had the choice … take one bed for mum … or take both beds so mum and dad could at least be together at the same facility.

“So after a lot of heartache, dad decided to go with mum. It was just tragic seeing their whole life packed up and sold off to the tender centre.

“They moved in with just a suitcase and a couple of boxes – that was it. They had a beautiful big house and now they had a small room each.

“But mum was getting the care she needed and dad was just across the hall and they could spend a lot of time together. It wasn’t too bad.”

But life is never predictable and the next thing that happened for Paul is that his mum escaped the facility, had another fall, and re-broke her same hip.

The results of that accident were catastrophic. After her return from a long stay in hospital, she was reclassified as ‘high care’ and transferred to a different facility. Although it was on the same site, it was several hundred metres from where her husband was living and across a busy road.

Because he had by now developed his own mobility problems, Paul’s dad was unable to walk more than a few feet, and therefore was not able to visit his wife any more without someone putting him in a wheelchair and wheeling him over.

“The staff have no time to do that and dad is not able to wheel himself that distance as there is a road crossing involved and a lot of uneven footpaths,” Paul said. “It is dreadfully upsetting for them both.

“I go over and pick him up and take him to see mum whenever I can – generally once or twice a week. When they see each other their eyes light up. Dad just strokes mum all over. He is so tender. She seems to know intuitively who it is, even though she does not seem to recognise him in a cognitive way.”

For Paul and Rhonda, who still work part-time in retail, life has become a merry-go-round of doctors’ and specialists’ appointments, legal meetings, care meetings and almost daily attention to some problem or other that has befallen one of their parents.

They have children and grandchildren, but rarely have spare time to spend with them, as they are so busy with the needs of their ageing parents.

“It really puts the wind up you,” said Paul. “Rhonda and I don’t want to end up so dependent on our kids but we lost all of our superannuation savings in the great financial crash and now only have our home as an asset – and that still has a mortgage over it.

“There must be hundreds of thousands of people like us out there, dreading getting old and having to rely on the aged care system to meet our needs.

“I have seen my parents forced to sell their home to pay for aged care, losing their independence and nice lifestyle for a crammed single room and mass produced institutional food.

“You think you will have time to cook for them and bring them nice fresh home-cooked meals, but the reality is that you don’t. The logistics are just too hard.

“I can’t say any of us are happy with the outcome.”