Bella’s mum is at home and unwell. Her boss has all the right carer policies in place, but there is a lack of understanding and empathy.

As one of three surviving children, it has fallen to Bella, a human resources professional, to care for her elderly mother as she proceeds through the last years of her life.

“About five years ago I accepted a position located closer to home – based on a feeling that something was not the same with my mother,” Bella said.

“There had been a number of strange calls and disappearances which had alerted me to something being quite wrong with her.

“Then came the day when my mother told me that she was ill. She did not wish to go into details, but said she did not want treatment. That sent me into shock and I could only sob.

“A domestic violence survivor, my mother had always been strong in spirit, vibrant in personality and style, and in every way ‘a real lady’. Life had never been smooth for her, having been raised during World War 2 amidst poverty, a plethora of siblings, a loving mother and a cruel father.

“When I got that fateful call from my mother, my dear work colleagues consoled me and to this day have been steady in their support, caring and giving.  My clients also have been brilliant in providing advice, understanding my absences, and just being kind.

“The greatest disappointment for me has been the lack of understanding and support from my management team. Particularly as like me, they are HR professionals.

“My public service employer has all the correct policies and practices in place – I use these every day – but these policies cannot make a person possess and demonstrate empathy or at least act in a reasonable and fair manner, using the same approach that they know I do with our clients.

“Caring for an aged and ill relative is just plain hard – working at the same time makes it even more challenging.

“In my situation, added to this mix is a good dose of menopause, depression, illness and financial stress, as well as the extra pressure from a manager whose approach at times could be perceived as Machiavellian or at least passive aggressive.

“This can send a normally calm and reasonable person like me into a very dark and lonely place.”

Bella said her mother had now decided to accept some treatment for her condition –  lymphatic cancer, with secondary cancers in various parts of her body and an anxiety disorder which creates delirium. She has been undergoing treatment for four months.

“My manager has known of my intentions for some time to create more flexible work practices for myself and our conversations on strategies to manage my work during the coming period have only been based on his business needs rather than looking at more balanced options that would give mutual wins,” Bella said.

“In approaching my clients, my manager convinced them that my working from home would affect their business and naturally, their support was unfortunately lost.

“My more formal approach to explore working from home on a part-time basis for 3-6 months has not been successful to date, however as a one-off, my manager did agree to my working from home for a six-day period recently.

“I am conscious that colleagues with young children have been successful in their applications for flexible work practices and working from home and fortunately have been supported to a much greater extent.

“All the same, it still gives me joy to a make a difference in my workplace.  I pride myself on being fair and flexible and most importantly offering reasonable and practical solutions for my clients – including advice on a range of flexible work practices.

“I will continue to support my mother until her dying breath, attempt to educate my manager and stick my head in any freezer available when the hot flushes hit!

“I hope that when I enter into old age, there are a greater range of options and ‘employer’ emotional intelligence to support quality care service to our older citizens.”

Lessons Bella has learned

• Age discrimination still exists.
• Achieving work life balance remains a challenge.
• Personal agendas can be barriers to employees gaining support for aged care (maternity leave provisions offer some protection – not the same for aged care – which will become prevalent over the coming years due to the high percentage of older employees and cost/quality of care options).
• Women as primary carers – have a number of challenges to face whether aged or child care – e.g. loss or slowing of career, financial stress, and lack of employer support/flexibility.
• Huge variation in practices and legislation across Australia and most importantly a lack of education on what should be a key item on any government/politician’s list – ‘how will we manage our aging population?’