Rebecca is 39 and a sees herself as a ‘sandwich’ carer

For the last eight years she has also been the primary support person in her 79-year-old mum’s life -initially when her mum lived independently in a nearby flat, but more recently following her mum’s relocation to a nursing home about one-and-half hour’s drive away.

Rebecca spends a great deal of her time supporting her mum as her intellectual capacity, general health and mobility all continue to deteriorate, leading to increased family and work stress.

When her mum’s husband died several years ago, he left a small inheritance to his wife. Back then, she decided to move in with her son and his wife, using this money to help pay for a small home extension so she would have independent living quarters and her own bathroom.

“All went well for a couple of years until mum started complaining to me that my brother’s wife was mistreating her,” Rebecca said.

“Mum said it started with her daughter-in-law refusing to drive her out to play bingo with friends and to a weekly craft circle she has been part of for years. These were her only social activities and as the family live on a farm out of town and she can’t drive and there is no public transport, she felt trapped in the home.

“Then her daughter-in-law stopped buying mum’s nutritional supplements, saying they had become too expensive to keep purchasing. Soon she also stopped buying the Italian-style food mum liked to eat and stopped cooking pasta dishes, because she herself went on a carbohydrate fee diet to lose weight and didn’t want to be cooking separate meals for mum.

“The family adopted a new high protein/high fat diet but it didn’t suit mum as she has a heart condition and in any case prefers more vegetarian-based meals, so there was this enormous conflict brewing between the two of them. Mum started losing an alarming amount of weight and getting very depressed. My brother didn’t want to deal with the issues at all.

“Mum confided her unhappiness to me and begged me to help her get out of there. I could not move her in with me, as both my husband and I worked fulltime and we lived in a pretty small flat that was already over-crowded.

“So she decided to try living in a little flat on her own and I found her a place not far from where we lived. We discussed the move with my brother but he just got really angry and said if mum moved out, not to come back to him for help. He wasn’t interested in resolving any of the issues mum had raised about how she felt she was being treated by his wife. He has refused to speak with both of us since then.

“Anyway, mum moved into her new flat and I organised a few services for her like Home Care once a week and Meals on Wheels three days a week and I called over to see her every second day, but it was a real struggle for her. She just wasn’t able to manage her daily life and became even more depressed and lonely, ringing me at work up to four or five times a day and crying. It made my job very, very difficult.

“I felt very guilty as I had been the one to help her move out of my brother’s place, so I took on all of her shopping and cleaning. On weekends I’d come over and cook most of the meals for the week ahead. Every second day I would visit and help to shower her and do all of her personal care.

“Then mum had a stroke and ended up in hospital. She did recover but had some paralysis down one side, which further limited her physical movement.

“She couldn’t so easily use the phone, so I started ringing her twice a day, to make sure she was OK. But sometimes she wouldn’t answer and I’d ring and ring and ring until I became worried sick that she had had another heart attack and then I’d have to leave work and go over to make sure she was OK, but that would always lead to spending an hour or two with her and then I’d have to go back to work and play catch-up. That meant staying at work until the job was done and I often wouldn’t get home until seven or eight in the evening and I would be totally exhausted. This went on for a couple of years.

“Then I unexpectedly became pregnant and that brought up a whole lot of other issues. I worried that I would not be able to keep on caring for mum as well as the baby. I tried to convince mum to get more paid help to do the cleaning and cooking, but she refused, not wanting strangers in her house.

“So I had the baby and took a year off work, and kept on helping mum the same as before, but I had to return to work for financial reasons and that was when things started to fall apart.

“I found a great family day care mum to care for my daughter, but caring for mum was becoming increasingly difficult, as she had by now also developed signs of dementia and was wandering from her home.

“In the end I felt I had no choice other than finding a nursing home place for her as my brother still refused to get involved with her care. I have to deal with a tremendous feeling of guilt in making this decision, but I love her dearly and am determined to give her as much support as I can.

“I still ring her every day, visit three or four times a week, cook some of her meals, buy her clothes, take her on outings and have her over to my place every second weekend.

“It is still incredibly demanding trying to juggle paid work, running a family, mothering a very active and demanding three-year-old and providing very active support for mum.

“I adore my mum and wish my life circumstances were such that I could have her living with me and have paid care coming into the home, but we just can’t afford to do that.

“She doesn’t like the nursing home and makes me feel bad about having been put there, but I had no choice. I wish we could have found a place closer to where we live and I am still looking. But in the meantime, we just have to make the best of the situation that we can.”